Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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