Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
