my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
