Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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