tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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