rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Congratulations! We have a period
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm always down for nudity.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
