State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
