That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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