dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Randomize
