omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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