My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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