My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
