Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His hands were made for my vagina.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
