I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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