Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
