Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
