I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
