I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize