I wish my penis had an off switch
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
