I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
