Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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