I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
