I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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