I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
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To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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