So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
