He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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