My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
