theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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