You're my little dorito
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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