my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
