he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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