2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
