My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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