just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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