but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
