no, he came in my armpit
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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