The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
