you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
