I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
