the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
