My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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