So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
