I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
