how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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