Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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