woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He passed out mid-signature
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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