How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
should my penis look like a turkey
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
