yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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