dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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