i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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