PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
