someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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