You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
