Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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