I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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