dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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