He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
